As parents, we often harbor fears and uncertainties about our abilities to raise and nurture our children. We may question our competence, worry about becoming like our own parents, or fear that our children won’t like us. These thoughts, though hidden, can cause us to become defensive and resistant to feedback from educators, other parents, or even strangers on the playground. Sadly, it is our children who suffer from this defensiveness, as they miss out on the valuable feedback that could help them grow and thrive through life’s challenges.
When parents deflect responsibility for their fears, they often resort to phrases like, “You know how we become when we go into Mama Bear mode,” or “You know how hard it is for us to hear things about our own kids,” or “You know, I’m doing the best that I can with all that’s going on.” These statements, however, don’t address the core issue: what parents can do to improve their child’s life experiences.
The key to healthy parenting lies in recognizing that it is an inside job. Throughout your parenting journey, you will inevitably encounter triggers, both conscious and unconscious, that bring unprocessed and unhealed experiences from your own childhood to the surface. In stressful moments, you may find yourself communicating like your parents did, unintentionally projecting fear onto your child’s emotions. This can lead to over-processing and exacerbating situations when, in reality, your child is emotionally resilient, and it is your own nervous system that is struggling.
To parent from the inside out, we must take accountability for our emotions and projections, acknowledging that our interpretations of our children’s experiences are shaped by our own emotional landscape. Becoming the best parent possible starts with working on ourselves. Despite having the best intentions for our children, we will continue to recreate negative patterns in our parenting if we do not address our unhealed childhood wounds and potentially harmful communication styles.
Healing from the inside out is not a choice we make because we want to; it is a necessary step toward breaking the cycle of fear and insecurity that can otherwise dominate our parenting experiences. By facing our fears and taking responsibility for our emotional well-being, we can create a more nurturing, supportive environment for our children and foster healthier relationships with them as they grow and develop.